I waged a war with self on the difference between wanting and believing. I realized that I've been wanting with all of my soul to become a renown actress, recognized by millions for my great skill and naturalism. What I realized however, was although I wanted to become renown, that wanting was miles away from believing that I could actually become it. In fact, as I begin to think it through, I realized just how much doubt was there: how much my belief system didn't match up to my wants. In my soul, I didn't believe that I could carry a movie from the beginning to the end; a TV series. I remember once sitting in an acting class and the subject came up how producers are looking at you and thinking, Is this the face that millions would want to watch night after night in their living room? I cringe when I think back to that class. On that day, I did not believe that my face was interesting enough to watch. I didn't think that I could have millions of fans, and get fan mail. When I closed my eyes, I couldn't visualize the call that I would get from my agent saying, "Squeaky, I got good news...".
What pains me even more is that I truly had the talent, yet lacked the confidence-and I wouldn't find out that my wants and beliefs differed greatly until years later. So I waisted years asking myself "why?" Why didn't I book the role? Why can I book smaller roles and not major ones? Why am I not consistently booking? Why should I go with a major agent and get loss in the shuffle? (This was such a foolish thing) Why not search for a boutique agent?
My answers to these questions never came close to the truth. For me, it was my hair- "That's right, maybe they want longer." Then it was my teeth- "Picture guy, when you are retouching, can you take out my gap...just a little", "I have picked up weight", "I'm not what they consider "beautiful" so I won't submit for that role"....and all these things that would flow through my mind. It all came down to one thing. I was a nut! I didn't believe in myself, my talent, my body, my smile, or my hair. How in the world could I walk into an audition and feel conviction about the role I was reading for. Sure, some roles were an exact fit for me, the lines rolled trippingly off my tongue as if I created the words myself. Those jobs, I couldn't help but book-luck some would call it- and with that came a bit more confidence of course. But, I was still so far from believing in self that I could play a leading role, be nominated for an Oscar and win! It was ludicrous really with the talent I possess.
I was even further away from receiving what I wanted because I never allowed myself to relish in the small successes of booking small roles, because "it wasn't where I wanted to be ultimately." I remember when I first booked a role on "Law and Order: CI", and I can recall the moment of heat surging inside of me when my agent call to tell me I booked the job. I was so excited! Soon as I made my first call, the person asked me, "How many lines do you have," or maybe it was, "Do you have a big part?"....I immediately sank-my spirit and my joy plummeted. I had only booked a U5 (under 5 lines). So my happiness for the success I had lasted a total of 60 minutes....maybe.
The truth of the matter is, I should still be happy for that one role! It was the role that made me eligible for SAG. It was the role that went on IMDB. It was a role that attracted agents, managers, and casting director's attention, it is the one role that MANY people think (thanks to my fans), "Squeaky is doing it!", because they are major fans of L&O:CI. I should still be happy because to date, I am still getting checks for this U5 role. It was the role that when I first learned I had book the job I was elated about, because I was going to be on TV. Which was my goal in life anyway!
I learned sometime along the way, that we have to celebrate every small success. How else will we appreciate the larger ones. Let's face it, no matter how big the jobs are that we book, if we are ambitious, we will always be looking for more, bigger and better opportunities.
I worked on changing my thoughts about myself. To change my beliefs, I learned to visualize myself on TV and in film. I learned to accept myself through the eyes of other people who would rant and rave about my work, since I hadn't thought enough of my skill to believe I could actually become what I wanted. I made affirmations that I would say daily about myself and my wants that I wanted to change into beliefs, and into realities. I would say them right before I went into an audition too. I would tell myself aloud 3 things that I love about myself right before walking in. I begin to say, "I deserve this". I also thought on the people who were playing the leading roles that I wanted to play. Then I thought on people who were quirky, and odd and overweight, people who had bad hair and weird eyes. And stuff like that, yet they booked the lead role in films and on Television.
So I share with you some of my affirmations:
I deserve this role.
I am beautiful and perfectly perfect.
I deserve to have have millions of fans.
I deserve to have millions of fan mail.
I can carry a film from the beginning to the end and have viewers in awe of my work.
I can play roles with depth.
People talk about my work and how it is done in excellence.
Producers love me. Directors love me. Casting Directors love me.
I'm the next best thing!
I can win an Oscar.
I am a star.
I am red carper worthy!
Greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I am Victorious!
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